just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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