You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
There are leaves in my underwear?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
