I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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