So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
