I'm laying in your front yard are you home
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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