It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
How does one acquire holy water?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
