Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
