i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize