I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
