My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Randomize
