Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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