so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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