Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
dude i'm inner monologue high
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
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