Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
