shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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