Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
