I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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