Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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