I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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