Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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