If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
