Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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