So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
