Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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