Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
