last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
