we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
