Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
