he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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