god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
We named our party play list daddy issues
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
