I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
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