do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize