the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
