I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
