my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
