You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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