just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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