my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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