there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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