i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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