My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Randomize
