Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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