I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
