i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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