im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
