after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
