There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
