Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
