This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
