my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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