It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize