it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
