it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize