do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
