I have demons in me.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Randomize
