Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
