But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
time to smoke my breakfast
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
