saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
